REFUSING TO DANCE

How many times have you walked away from an argument wondering. "How did this happen?" It seems that each of your responses only triggered a negative counter-response from the other person, and you got trapped in a cycle of action-and-reaction which only made the situation worse. In a disagreement, we often get so focused on our response that we fail to anticipate or predict the other person's counter-response. We get emotionally involved in the disagreement, and end up trapped in a cycle that is predictable and counter-productive. Dr. David Stiebel, in When Talking Makes Things Worse, calls this cycle the "dance to deadlock." He identifies three common conversational patterns (or dances) which always end in stalemate.

The Waltz to War. In this conversational routine, Stiebel writes, "you entice the other person (intentionally or not) to take an opposing stand -- which gives you the perfect excuse for attacking him." If you're the victim in the scenario, you have been asked -- in one way or another - to give in. If you "dig in" and refuse, thinking your only other option is to back down, you've fallen into the trap. Now your opponent can accuse you of being stubborn of uncooperative, and you're in stalemate.

The Game of Endless Giving. In this pattern you (as victim) actually reward the other side for fighting you! Your opponent wins by rejecting your offers and demanding more. You end up giving more and more concessions without getting anything in return. If you continue giving in the hope of stimulating reciprocation, you'll be disappointed. Your opponent has no reason to concede anything because -- for him -- the game is going well.

Tit-for-Tat. In this dance, you mirror the other person's behavior, giving him exactly what he gives you. While this seems fair, you actually lose because you ignore your underlying goal of resolving things. In Tit-for-Tat conversation quickly degenerates into badgering, pestering, pressuring, and name-calling. The more stubborn you are, the worse the situation becomes.



How can you break these negative and self-defeating behaviors? Stiebel offers a five-step process:

(1) Monitor the conversation as it's happening. If you hear yourself saying the same things over and over or making rigid declarations, beware!

(2) Monitor your emotions. If they're not in check, you're probably incapable of making informed choices.

(3) Call time out. Step away from he situation and regain your composure.

(4) Recognize the dance you're doing. Once you learn to recognize these destructive patterns, you'll gain power to change your behavior.

(5) Break the cycle. Stop responding according to the pattern. If the other person tries to continue the dance, don't cooperate. Refuse to dance!